Study madness

And so, basically after that event, i didnt have much of a holiday. was basically just studying. and studied till im a bit depressed. A lot of thoughts are running through my mind during that period when i was studying. Like i keep on wondering, why am i studying so slow and like so inefficient? it's like i start studying earlier than others ( i think) but yet i finish later than them or rather cannot really finish what im supposed to study. And like others who study lesser and later can also get good results. Why am i so slow? and im like waking up earlier to study and study the whole day till night, sometimes ard 1 plus. and wake early the next day again. Especially the period when i was studying FEB, there's really a lot to study, a lot of pages yet sometimes not a lot of things. but mabe it's just cause it cant go into my brain, electronics is not me maybe. i can take one whole day to study a chapter! it's like i expect to finish 2 chapters or what but it's only one chapter and so many things.

Then i was thinking, or is it maybe my study method is wrong? if that's the case then maybe my results do not actually belong to me? then what if i happen to go uni? Poly topics to study is actually not considered a lot compared to jc or uni. Then if i happen to be able to go uni? what if i cannot adapt? how? What if my results in poly are all fake? Then i would die in uni right? Thinking of these just makes me go crazy. Unsure of what im supposed to do next.

And, im also thinking, it's only just a test, MST only. Why am i so uptight about it? so stress, so uptight about the whole thing altogether? it's just a test! i also feel that im actually giving too much stress to myself. Then what will happen to me during exam period? or when i go to year 3? worse right? Even my mum is worried about myself, afraid that i would give myself too much stress, and keep on nagging about it that i feel so annoying. And at night when i want to go sleep after a day of studying, my mind cant seem to rest. Was still thinking about the study stuff. And like ytd i go sleep at 130am i keep on thinking about stuff, and i see the wall clock, 2am. think i fell asleep at 2 plus. what a torture. Recently during this study period, there's also these dreams that i think mean something. Like i will dream of study stuff, or there's hw that i forget to do, and i even dreamt of FEB teacher ytd! so LOL! i think im like running, really fast, dk chased by who and i just run, on the verge of being caught, and after that i saw mark johnson. LOL. Also some other dreams like im running too, or sometimes that i went on a holiday, with my mum and sis. Weird dreams but i think they mean something.

But now im feeling better. Cos now im like studying the subjects like not so boring. i think i still prefer accounting. It's like more to maths stuff. And there's working problems that's not so boring. And today i can even listen to songs and with the air con doing the problems, so shiok. but on the whole i stil think i cant finish what im supposed to.